Cheers to Another Year
Hello to all!
I am writing this blog post on the day of my 31st birthday. As I am doing so a whole slew of raw emotions are coming up for me and I thought it would be the perfect time to give an update on life! I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this today without miracles and modern medicine, and of course all of my amazing supporters (that’s you!) As I think back on how I felt on this day last year, I can’t help but reminisce on the mountain I climbed to get here.
Last year on my birthday I had been sitting silently with this diagnosis for about a month. Cancer had already came into my life and started to steal things one by one - my business, my birthday party, scheduled vacations, the future I thought was always mine. I was living in an actual nightmare where I was filled simultaneously with shock and emptiness. I woke up every morning for weeks thinking it was all just a bad dream only to be reminded that this indeed was my life, my reality.
I think back to this day last year and how much my body has gone through in a short amount of time. There have been studies that prove that chemotherapy ages your physiological body 10 years, so although I am writing this as someone who has lived 31 years on earth, I have a body of a 41 year old. My body has gone through things that all of my friends have yet to experience - mammograms, menopause, and all of the fun that those two things have to bring.
I sit here as a 31 year old who feels a little out of place. When my friends grow old and discuss having to get their yearly mammogram, I will be sitting here with no mam’s to gram. When they discuss the pains of going through menopause - I will be like “been there, done that.” If I am lucky enough to grow old, that is. I never thought of aging as a gift, until now.
As Zach Bryan says in his poem - - -
“If I’m lucky enough, I will get through hard things and they will make me gentle to the ways of the world”
As I look back at my 31st year of life, it’s really a blur. A lot of time was spent sitting in infusion chairs, recovering from surgery in my dark basement, and mastering the art of waiting for life-altering news. There was a lot of pain, but also a lot of beauty. Although I have lost things, I have also gained things I never had before such as this blog, the friends in my cancer community, and of course the fierce desire to live life to the fullest. Through the trials the last year has brought, my perspectives and viewpoints on many things have changed.
Work
Before Cancer: Work was the main focus of most of my days, as it is for many others. My main objective was serving clients and making them happy while also simultaneously growing my own team and building a business.
After Cancer: Now, I’ve placed an even smaller emphasis on my work. It’s very small part of what life is actually about. The things that happen at work and the stressors that come with it are not worth my health or well-being. I take a lot more breaks in my day and don’t just sit at my computer. Right now in my business and career, less is more.
My body
Before Cancer: I have always had a difficult relationship with my body and struggled with my weight and body image.
After Cancer: My body has been through so much and has overcome a lot of odds to still be here. A lot of drugs were infused into it, and as a result my body went through some massive changes. When you are going through chemotherapy you have to be weighed weekly and my infusion team would seriously cheer when I would gain weight back after losing it when I was ill. Because when you are going through something like cancer - gaining weight is a good thing and massive drops in weight is usually not a good sign for longevity. Although it may look and feel different, this body has carried my through this last year and I am so grateful for all that it has done for me. I appreciate my body more and care less what others think now more than ever.
Day to day life
Before Cancer: I had completely forgotten to find joy in each and every day. To take time for myself and do things for me. I was in so deep between trying to run a business, manage a household, and be everything to everyone, that I lost myself and my passions along the way.
After Cancer: I stop and smell the roses a lot more. I look for signs and beauty in everything. I rush a lot less and make time for the little things - walks, bike rides, self care, listening to podcasts. I inject a lot more hobbies into my life now, I’ve been crafting more, making jewelry, and have will be spending more of my free time in a mentorship role this fall when I am very excited about!
spirituality
Before Cancer: When Tim & I lived in Illinois we found a church that we fell in love with and ended up joining a young married small group that helped us to dive deeper into our faith. Since we have moved to Austin, MN we haven’t quite found our church home yet and have continued to watch the services online from our old church. This led me to feeling a little more disconnected from the Christian community.
After Cancer: I have now experienced spirituality at such a deep level, one I couldn’t even fathom before. During my journey I felt so connected to everything in the universe and truly felt the prayers from family members and even strangers I had on my support team. I sat in prayer for hours, talked to God on my walks outdoors, and felt his presence during multiple occasions. With the work that I did with an energy healer for 4 months I was able to learn a lot more about angels and started seeing signs from angels everywhere. I can truly say that I experienced life in a realm of spirituality that I didn’t even know existed.
Mental state
Before Cancer: I was constantly stressed and anxiety ridden about day-to-day tasks. I would spiral when the littlest of things inconvenienced me because I was already in a state of fight or flight. I really needed to be back on anxiety medication but refused to do so because I wanted to be “all natural.”
After Cancer: Now I believe that any day that I am not in an infusion chair or hospitalized, is a good day. I can spill my coffee or stub my toe and not let it ruin my whole day. My definition of things that are “hard” has definitely evolved. I have a much higher tolerance for things going wrong because I know that nothing can sting as bad as a cancer diagnosis and all of the complications that came throughout the journey. I have accepted the fact that I need support with my mental health and have been religiously taking anxiety medication and meeting with a therapist - both are indeed life-changing.
Modern Medicine
Before Cancer: I avoided even the smallest of pills at all cost. Modern medicine was toxic and unnecessary so I focused on natural healing methods such as Chinese medicine, functional medicine, supplements, massage, chiropractic, etc.
After Cancer: I can easily say that modern medicine saved my life multiple times during the last year. I now completely rely on modern medicine and pharmaceuticals because of the Addison’s Disease my treatment caused. With my body no longer creating cortisol, aldosterone, DHEA, and not enough T3, and T4, I require medication and supplements to simply function and feel normal. When you are really sick, you definitely are happy there are pills and fluids that make things better. In my 20’s I was all about being natural, in my 30’s I am saying “just give me the damn meds.”
death
Before Cancer: I have been extremely fortunate to only have had 3 deaths with those in my family and close to me, so I did not have a lot of experience with it. When I was initially diagnosed I had an extreme fear of dying and leaving this earth early.
After Cancer: After being brushed with mortality and seeing out the death process with my grandma who passed in January of this year, I feel a lot more comforted by the idea of death. It was actually quite beautiful to see the process my grandma went through. Death is something that is inevitable for everyone, it’s something that we all will experience at one time or another. Through these experiences I have learned a lot more about death and know that when my maker calls me home, I will be ready.
cancer
Before Cancer: A very rare thing that usually only old people or chronic smokers/drinkers got
After Cancer: Cancer is everywhere and on the rise in our younger populations. As of a few years ago, The National Cancer Institute reported that 40.5% of men and women were diagnosed with some form of cancer in their lifetime. This is a startling statistic, so if it isn’t you - it’s going to be your loved ones, friends, coworkers, pets. Cancer knows no bounds and it doesn’t discriminate. It impacts people of all races, ages, sizes, with a variety of different habits and diets. Now that I am in the cancer community I see how many people in the younger populations it truly effects.
All in all, I am just happy to be here.
Don’t worry, I come to you today with some good news as well…
I officially have a surgery date of October 31st - The perfect day to swap my temporary tissue expanders for new BOObies 👻
As of August 20th I have started an online Non-Profit Management course where I am learning about all things non-profits to see if I’d like to convert this blog into a functioning non-profit… more to come on this!
I have started working with clients again as of May and am enjoying slowly but surely getting back to supporting female entrepreneurs through Breanna’s Business Boutique
I have finally been bite by the travel bug again and have been feeling blessed to be back in both beautiful Montana and stunning Colorado (my two favorite states!)
I have also recently attended my first Minnesota Breasties event where survivors met up at a hobby farm in Lakeville. We did some light yoga, fed the farm animals, and shared our stories. Everyone’s stories were so diverse, yet the same. We had survivors who had breast cancer staging ranging from stage 0 to stage 3. The treatment plans that others endured ranged from just surgery to chemotherapy, radiation, and hormone therapy, or a combination of those things. We even had some ladies there that were positive for the BRCA1 genetic mutation - a mutation that puts you at a HUGE risk for developing both breast cancer and ovarian cancer throughout your lifetime.
When you are put in communities such as the breast cancer community, you find a place of solace, a place of true belonging. It’s a space where tears are welcomed and missing parts of your body is normal. It’s a space where people just shrug off horrible situations such as their breast implant falling out (yes, you heard that right), not being able to feel their feet because of neuropathy, and being optimistic about developing cervical cancer because “at least it’s slow growing, so that’s good.”
The people who smile, laugh, and make jokes despite all that life has thrown at them, are my people.
As my 31st birthday was coming to a close, I decided I wanted to make it meaningful in the best possible way. At around 2pm I decided that I wanted to get a tattoo, one that represented my diagnosis and everything that has come along with it. I luckily secured a last minute opening with a local tattoo artist and made my way there for a spur-of-the-moment tattoo. I was deciding between either my finger or my achilles for the placement, and I am so happy I decided on the achilles.
The three subtraction signs represent my triple negative breast cancer diagnosis. According to the National Cancer Institute, a 30-year-old female has a 0.49% chance of developing breast cancer, or 1 in 204. This rare and aggressive type of cancer has not only rocked my world, but it’s shaped it. So, I feel proud to be rocking these three dashes on the back of my achilles which is a body part that represents “surprising weakness or vulnerability in an otherwise strong or powerful person.”
Cancer may have knocked me down, but it hasn’t knocked me out and I’m so excited to continue growing and healing in my next trip around the sun
In strength & new light,
Xo, Breanna
