Life on the Other Side
Life on the other side of my healing session regimen is so so sweet. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My body towards the end of it all was very very tired and weak, even walking up the stairs was a chore. Everything just seemed so hard. You would think that as you got closer to the finish line things would get easier, but actually, you just get more traumatized from the whole process and don’t look forward to the drugs breaking your body down even more, you just want to be done.
After 5 ½ months of the same routine, going to the hospital was becoming part of my personality. The four receptionists who manage the intake for the floor I got my infusions on all know my first and last name and would automatically check me in when they saw me. If there was a punch card, I’d for sure have a free appointment or two at this point. Needless to say, I’m thoroughly enjoying a much-needed break from the blood draws, appointments, and awful side effects during my 6-week hiatus before surgery.
As I’m writing this blog, I’m officially four weeks out from my last healing session. This week I really started turning a corner in terms of energy and started to jog to the end of my block and back. This may seem insigifnicant, but after being extremely weak and tired it feels like such a gift to work on getting your stamina back. The last few weeks of treatment I was honestly having dreams about running, so why not live it out?
It feels amazing to do things you couldn’t even fathom doing even a week ago. When you have so little energy you have to decide how to allocate it, so naturally things like taking the recycling to the bottom of my driveway just got avoided. Yesterday, I went on a walk with my dog, went to a yoga class at the local YMCA, AND brought my recycling down to the bottom of my driveway. In terms of chemotherapy patients, this is essentially like participating in a triathlon. Walk, yoga, recycling. Where is my gold medal?
Here is an overview of symptoms that have improved:
Oral Thrush
Dry Mouth
Taste
Esophagus Infection
Brittle nails, my normal strong nails are back!
White Blood Cell Counts
Here are the main symptoms that I’m still experiencing:
Hot Flashes, although they are way less frequent
Bloating, although it is slowly improving and not as painful
Tiredness/Fatigue - I still require about 12 hours of sleep!
Dry Skin
Hair Shedding…. Like A LOT!
Brain Fog/Memory Issues
Speaking of memory issues, I do have a funny story. The other day I was picking up a prescription at Walgreens and as always I was asked for my address for validation. But this time I just sat there in the drive-thru with a blank stare on my face. I couldn’t remember my address, at all. Not the numbers, not the street, all I could recall was the zip code. The tech asked if I had recently moved, I said no. I was so flustered. I had to explain to the pharmacy tech that I’ve been going through treatment and I have bad brain fog. Even after driving away I still couldn’t rack my brain for where the heck I lived! These little moments of *forgetfulness* have been happening quite frequently and all you can do is laugh it off. Let’s not even get into the story where Tim gave me his wallet and 3 minutes later I forgot I ever had it…
In brighter news, I’ve been able to have a little bit more fun lately as my white blood cell counts and immune system have bounced back!
I spent an entire week with my family in Lakeville which was fun! We watched stand-up comedy, played Sequence, cooked, went on long walks, ordered our favorite Chinese food, and ran errands together!
My friends threw me a Bye Bye Boobies party in Omaha, NE. We had delightful weather for a fun picnic that made light of my upcoming surgery. My lovely friend made me a cake and we had so much fun making flower crowns and setting up for our outdoor picnic.
For Christmas, Tim’s sister gave us tickets for a comedy show! Due to my delays in treatment, we didn’t know whether or not I’d be able to go but I’m so happy we did! We had a fun night out with both of our siblings, we went out to dinner in Minneapolis and enjoyed a night of laughter watching Ronnie Chieng at the State Theatre.
My mom and I pulled off a surprise party for my dad’s 65th! We surprised him with over 20 of his friends at a golf simulator followed by a pizza dinner.
Check out more photos from these fun events in the carousel at the end of this post!
As February and March weather has been more like May and June weather in Minnesota, I am extremely grateful. I’ve spent more time on walks, bike rides, on my patio, and enjoying the nearby state park. After being stuck inside for so long it sure is a treat to enjoy the sunshine when there is supposed to be snow on the ground. Global warming sure is nice, at least in the meantime.
I enter this next season of life with so many new perspectives and a new level of gratefulness. I appreciate any movement I can get in, seeing and catching up with friends, and spending time in nature. I know that I can now brush off little inconveniences and things that really don’t matter. When people are concerned about something that is going on, I reply with “Ah, I’ve been through worse.”
This quote has really speaks to the season of life I am in right now:
“After experiencing loss, people often rush to commend your strength and resilience.
Yet, surviving grief isn’t a matter of choice, it’s an unavoidable journey. You find yourself shedding tears in the shower, weeping into your pillow, and praying for the strength to carry on. Whether it’s through silent tears or anguished prayers, the path to healing often involves moments of vulnerability and struggle. It’s common to feel overwhelmed and alone.
But through the tears and tough moments, we discover our inner strength. Each day, we navigate through the pain slowly finding our way forward. As we emerge from the darkness we realize how resilient we truly are.”
People may wonder, Breanna what loss have you experienced?
I’ve lost my normal life. The one where I don’t spend hours of my week in doctors’ offices. The one where I’m not a nervous wreck waiting for life-altering scan results. The one where I could work and travel as I please. The one where my organs worked as they should. The life where I didn’t fear about not having a future.
I will spend the rest of my life trying to avoid this horrible disease. I will live the rest of my life with breasts that aren’t mine. I will live the rest of my life with over 10+ scars scattered across my body, reminding me of this journey I’ve been on.
At the end of the day, I’m not complaining, because all of this is worth it. It’s given me more than it’s taken from me. It’s given me a fresh new outlook on life, one that honestly was much needed. I recently learned that the odds of even being born, are 400 trillion to 1. Yup, that’s how rare it is to be a human being.
You’re given this one life, this one chance, and when you’ve had seasons of fearing that it is all going to be taken away from you, you sure as heck remain grateful for your 400 trillion to 1 chance of being born and being able to experience this earth.
One of my favorite actresses, Lili Reinhart was in an interview once and shared:
“I sort of look at things this way, as someone who very much struggles with anxiety and depression. If I started out as this celestial being, and the universe or God, or whomever said:
Hey, do you want to go to earth for an incredibly short amount of time, like a blip, and experience every emotion that you could possibly feel as a human. You get to have all of these experiences, love, heartache, anxiety, joy, euphoria, whatever, all of it. Do you want to do that?
Yeah, I do.
And so when I am feeling these intense feelings it’s sort of a reality check to step outside and say although this is a very uncomfortable painful feeling, it’s quite beautiful that I have the capacity to experience it.”
There you have it! For anyone who is reading this, I want to let you know that your presence on this earth alone is a miracle. What are you going to do with your one amazing and precious life?
With renewed hope and energy,
Xo, Breanna
